September 2013
Few men appreciate long articles on how to behave—especially as to how we ought to treat our wives, so here, based on Ephesians 5, are our duties summed up in terms of their pattern and their practice.
The Pattern Our basic precept for marriage is, “Husbands, love your wives” (Eph. 5:25a). Following Christ’s pattern of loving His bride, each of us is to love his wife in these ways:
1. Absolutely. Christ gives “Himself” for His bride—His total self (v. 25). He holds nothing back. That is obvious from what He has done (think of Calvary), is doing (think of His constant intercession in heaven), and will do (think of His Second Coming). So we too are called to radical, absolute giving of ourselves to our wives in authentic love.
2. Realistically and purposely. Like Christ, who goes on loving His bride, the church, despite her spots and wrinkles, so that He can present her sanctified—without spot or wrinkle—to His Father in the Great Day (vv. 26–27), so we husbands are called to keep on loving our wives despite their shortcomings, aiming to have a sanctifying influence on them. Our love must be both realistic (remembering they are sinners just like us) and purposeful (aiming for their holiness).
3. Sacrificially. Christ nourishes and cherishes His bride at His own expense (vv. 28–29). So ought we husbands treat our wives at our own expense with the same care that we treat our bodies. If you get something in your eye, you give it immediate, tender care. Do you treat your wife with that same care when she is hurting?
The Practice Here are six ways we should be demonstrating this pattern of love for our wives:
1. Show great interest in your wife as a person. Care about her. Conversational communication is critical. Spiritual fellowship is paramount. After worship or fellowship, ask her what she learned and how her soul fared. Ask her how her day went and how the kids behaved today. Ask her about her dreams, fears, and frustrations. Learn to listen; learn to reflect her feelings back to her so that she opens up the more.
2. Pray for your wife privately and with her. Lay out her needs before God. Be earnest in praying for her spiritual growth, for Christ to meet her daily needs, for relief in physical and emotional difficulties. Let her feel your strength and your tenderness on her behalf at God’s throne of grace.
3. Love your wife lavishly. Love her as she is—faults included. Please her (1 Cor. 7:33). Respect and honor her, and treat her tenderly (1 Peter 3:7). Tell her every day how much you love her. Shower her with affection—verbal affection, physical affection, emotional affection, spiritual affection. Cherish her as God’s special gift to you.
4. Heap praise and compliments on her. Tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is in your eyes. Be intimate, specific, creative, and repetitive in your compliments. Compliment her kindness, her smile, her dress, her hair, and a thousand other things. Compliment her with affection in your voice, with love in your eyes, and with arms of embrace. Praise her in the presence of others (Prov. 31:28). Never allow the children to speak disrespectfully to her or about her.
5. Learn your wife’s language of love. If she loves daisies and you prefer roses, get her daisies. Does she enjoy walking together? Walk with her. Eating out? Take her out. Learn to love what she loves as much as possible. Cultivate shared friendship and interests. My wife loves biking; I never did, but I do now! I have learned to like it because I want to please her and I love being with her. (I’ve given up on gardening, though.) The more you find to do in common—worshiping God, walking, talking, taking trips, doing hobbies, visiting mutual friends—usually the better your marriage will be.
6. Provide your wife with biblical, tender, clear servant leadership, not ruthless authoritarianism. Using Christ as your pattern, delight in serving her (Matt. 20:25–26). Be the spiritual leader of your wife and children. Be the father-shepherd. Lead your family daily in Bible study and prayer. Be a teaching prophet, an interceding priest, and a guiding king. Be a gentle giant in your family—the loving head, not the mean fist!
How We Fight against Backsliding
Backsliding is a season of increasing sin and decreasing obedience in those who profess to be Christians. Not every sin is backsliding. Christians must sadly expect their lives to consist of a continual cycle of sinning and repenting of sin by faith in Christ crucified (1 John 1:9–2:2). In backsliding, however, this cycle of repentance is largely broken and spiritual ground is lost. The longer we persist in backsliding, the less right we have to claim to be true Christians (1 John 2:3–4), for repentance is of the essence of true Christianity (Acts 2:38; 20:21).
Backsliding from Christ is thus a serious matter. It dishonors God, disregards Christ as Savior, grieves the Spirit, tramples God’s law underfoot, and abuses the gospel. And it is a sin as common as it is terrible. God laments in Hosea 11:7 that His people are “bent”—that is, prone—to backslide from Him. The propensity to sin resides in all of our hearts, as does a deep desire to avoid repentance. Little wonder, then, that God warns us so often in Hosea, Jeremiah, and other prophets to abhor and fight against backsliding.
Backsliding usually begins when believers let themselves drift from God, His Word, and His ways. We then slip away gradually, sometimes imperceptibly. One weakness leads to another. Most commonly, backsliding begins with coldness in prayer and then moves to indifference under the Word. Inner corruptions then multiply. The world is loved more and fellow believers are loved less. Man-centered hopes soon replace God-centered desires.
Backsliding reaps bitter results. It injures God’s holy and worthy name. It makes us spiritually numb so that our consciences become desensitized, and it results in the church’s overall decay.
So how do we fight against this abominable sin—a sin that is so unworthy of our Lord?
First, we must return to the Lord and stop running from Him. We must heed Hosea 14:1, “Return unto the LORD thy God, for thou hast fallen by thine iniquity.” We must repent by recognizing our sinful condition, remembering our past obedience, searching out our sin, grieving over it, confessing it, and fleeing from it.
Second, we must pursue righteousness by returning to Christ Jesus. To that end, we must return to a diligent use of the means of grace. That means returning seriously to the Bible. Attend diligently to sound preaching of it. Read it privately every day. Share regular devotions in your family. Memorize and meditate on key verses. Engage in a serious Bible study with one or more friends.
It also means returning diligently to prayer, even when you do not feel like it. Hosea 14:2 says: “Take with you words and turn to the LORD: say unto him, Take away all iniquity, and receive us graciously.” Pray the Scriptures back to God. Attend and pray at prayer meetings. Pray with close friends. Pray daily in and with your family. Pray for the Holy Spirit to restore the weeks, months, or perhaps even years, that the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25).
Read solid, sound Christian literature that will do your soul good. As you read, pray much for grace—justifying grace, sanctifying grace, adopting grace, reviving grace, strengthening grace, reviving grace, and sovereign grace.
Buttress your reading by journaling and/or finding an accountability partner. Two good spiritually minded friends will do you more good than ten or twenty friends who may be Christians but with whom you cannot communicate from heart to heart.
Above all, take refuge to Christ Jesus every day—yes, ten times a day. Flee to Him as your Savior and Lord, your righteousness and strength, your justification and sanctification, your praying and thanking High Priest, and your able and wise Physician. Let Him be your all-in-all.
Don’t rest until you are in your old way of communion with Christ again. And be assured, He will receive you back. He is a Savior of second chances; He delights to forgive even seventy times seven.
Come back home to your approachable Savior who loves to receive penitent sinners. Welcome home penitent, backsliding prodigal—welcome home in Christ to the Father’s arms, lips, words, and tears of mercy (Luke 15:20–24). Your God and Savior delights in mercy (Micah 7:18). By the Spirit’s grace, believe this amazing truth, embrace it, and live it out.
Dr. Joel R. Beeke is president and professor of Systematic Theology and Homiletics at Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary, and a pastor of the Heritage Netherlands Reformed Congregation of Grand Rapids, Michigan